You know how, in my last post, I talked about using your God-given gifts even though they might not be perfect?
Well, guess what I just avoided for the last few days? *Insert facepalm here.*
I spent far too much time over the last few days wanting to rest yet simultaneously being overwhelmed by all the “relaxing” activities I could do. There are so many enjoyable things I have wanted to do that I have been putting off that I had a hard time choosing one. So rather than just picking one (or taking a little bit of time on multiple), I fell prey to the coping mechanism known as scrolling through social media, and well, we all know how that goes.
Then I found myself kicking myself later for doing that.
The cycle of shame.
It doesn’t even make sense–but when we engage in those things, like drinking alcohol or overeating, etc…does it ever really make sense why we’re using it to cope?
I think I expected my three days off of work to have profound meaning and refreshment.
But I think maybe my expectations were not realistic.
I don’t know that God only wanted me to have three days to rest. I think this is just the start of a season of rest. It will be a few weeks ’til I can really do things on my own so in the meantime I have time at home in which I can’t really “be productive” physically…opening me up to other, life-giving activities.
I think I just need to be careful about adding too many intellectual activities to that list. I am an Enneagram 6w5, so I have a propensity to put a lot of emphasis on knowledge and logic; I can easily get sucked into learning more about ALL THE THINGS. Even Scripture.
So I think it’s a balance.
I recently started You’re Going to Make It by Lysa TerKeurst, and I loved what she had to say on Day 4:
“While we sit in the quiet, we wait expectantly.”
I want to do that: be calm–expectant–in the quiet. My mind has not been quiet.
Perhaps if I turned the volume down in my mind, I could hear God speak. Maybe I’d actually experience that rest I’ve been longing for.
I wonder what God is waiting to speak to me? Maybe I could…
Just stop and just listen.
Just a little less productivity and a little more expectancy–not expectations for doing but expectations for hearing. And experiencing. In the moment. And maybe even a little unplanned. And unexpected. Expected unexpectance.