It’s just after 12:30 PM, and I’m feeling some anxiety. Why, you may ask?
Because I’m tired.
Being tired means there’s potential for me to doze off this afternoon. Dozing off, to me, means lack of productivity. It means leaving things undone. It means that I might need to try to catch up tomorrow. To my mind, it means laziness, and laziness means feeling ashamed.
I hate that feeling.
But I think today might need to be different. As in…maybe it’s okay for me to doze off? Maybe I don’t need to feel as though rest is holding me back but instead that it’s an opportunity.
Here’s what I mean.
From my journal, this morning:
Last night, I went to our church’s monthly prayer meeting. It’s always the first Wednesday of the month, and usually, I don’t go. We are just so overloaded with commitments right now that I am too tired to do so. I do attend when I feel led, though, and this month I felt led to go.
I didn’t feel particularly engaged during the service at all–an expectation I usually end up having when I feel led to do something. Yet I did have a thought during worship–just that maybe God is holding me back so that I can just rest.
As much as I see this season, to some extent, as one of “rest” because I have few commitments (well, during the day at least), I don’t actually rest. I fill my days with tasks and chores and just general STUFF and then shame myself for being lazy when I don’t get everything done or shame myself for dozing off. And then I’m still exhausted and still wonder why.
After all this time, I still haven’t done what I’ve been asked to do in the first place–rest. And here I am wanting to move into the next season.
Then we sang the song “Nothing Else” by Cody Carnes, which includes the line, “I just want to sit here at your feet.”
I wrote it down.
It really hit me then that I’m still acting like a Martha when Jesus desires a Mary heart for me. Yes, He loves and accepts me right where I am, but He wants more for me.
While I’d say I’ve been “spending time” with God since losing my job, I haven’t actually “sat at His feet.” Now, I haven’t done the research to find out what this means in context. But what I do know is that, if I’m sitting at His feet, I’m likely not trying to control outcomes. I am not doing–just abiding. I am listening. I am humbling myself. I am bringing myself to Him like a child and allowing Him to teach, shepherd, lead, and love me.
I stepped into the aisle for prayer. Then we sat in silence for a few moments.
During the silence, Psalm 23 came to mind again, as it has been many times recently. Specifically, I thought of verse 5, which traditionally says:
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil, my cup overflows.(NASB)
The Passion Translation reads:
You become my delicious feast even when my enemies dare to fight. You anoint me with the fragrance of Your Holy Spirit; you give me all I can drink of you until my cup overflows.
What I get from this is that I think God wants to fill me. I think He really wants me to rest–to empty myself of everything else so there’s room for Him to fill me. And out of that, He will not just fill me to the top but fill me to overflowing.
So today I am attempting to hold things a little looser. I want to be more flexible–less rigid. More open to what God is holding for me today.
And I may just take a nap and be okay with it.